I Need to Get Out of this BOX!!

During winter semester, Ephraim had to read a book for his business program at school called Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute.  Since then, he's been wanting me to read it.  With spring semester being my absolute toughest, especially with life kicking into high-gear, I didn't have time.  Now that it's the summer break, I decided that I would make time for it.  And now I wish I read it sooner...

The book reads like a story and it's a very quick read (I started just two days ago...a total of maybe three to four hours).  I'll try to summarize it, but I'll probably butcher it.  We betray ourselves and end up putting ourselves in "the box," which leads us to self-deception.

How do we betray ourselves?  Well, you know when you get a feeling that you should do something for somebody?  Maybe do the dishes for your husband or bake cookies for a friend or call up a family member.  Well, if you betray that feeling (meaning you don't do it), many times we start coming up with reasons why we shouldn't do it...we justify ourselves (this does not include not doing it because of time or ability constraints).

Why should I do the dishes?  I just did them yesterday...why doesn't HE do the dishes?  He never does!  He's so lazy!

I don't want to bake her cookies.  She never does anything nice for me.  I'm a really good friend, and she's just not.  I don't even know why I'm friends with her!

Why doesn't that family member ever call me?  They'll probably just give me one-word answers as usual.  They don't care about talking to me.  Gosh!  They're so selfish!

We end up magnifying and inflating their faults, while inflating our virtues.  We deceive ourselves and become "in the box" towards them.  We end up constantly focusing on what they're doing wrong, and we claim that we want them to change.

But we don't.  Because if they do something right, then that proves us wrong.  And we don't want to be wrong because we have all these inflated virtues.  So we find some way to blame them and keep justifying ourselves....self-deception.

As I was reading this book, I found myself thinking about the people that I've been in the box towards, as well as people I've been out of the box toward.  (You can be both at one time.)  I thought about the new girl I work with who I want to look better than because she got the job instead of my friend.  So I don't help her as thoroughly as I could.

I thought about my old tenants when I managed an apartment complex, most of whom I focused on really helping and wanted them to have the best experience possible.  So I changed things that I thought would make them happy.  When they were happy, I was happy.  But when I didn't get a thank you for the new doggie waste bins, I put myself in the box and thought about all the things they should be doing because I was such a good manager. 

Mostly, I thought of my old boss at the apartments (and this is much of the reason I had such a tough spring semester).  I left on a really bad note, and though I've claimed to want to move on, I figured out that I really haven't wanted to.  Everything bad I hear about what's going on there justifies my actions, thoughts, and feelings.  See!  She really is a horrible manager!  Look at these things she's doing wrong!  No one even likes her!  I did a great job there, and she's the one missing out.  I could go on with all of those thoughts...but I'll just stop there.  This book made me think about the things I could have done differently.  Yes, she made mistakes, but SO DID I.  I ignored my own mistakes.  I inflated her faults and inflated my virtues.  How would we get along if we're both doing that to each other?

Of course, then I started thinking, Well she's in the box, too!!  She did the same thing I did!  The book seemed to read my thoughts.  "Don't accuse others of being in the box.  Do try to stay out of the box yourself."  Another suggestion I could've used: "Don't focus on what others are doing wrong.  Do focus on what you can do right to help."  I became so wrapped up in wanting her to mess up so that I could justify how I was feeling, that I became angry and unproductive.  And I was unwilling to talk to her because I "just knew" that she wouldn't hear it.  Maybe she would have if I had just handled it a little differently.

Well, like I said in the last post: I have made mistakes, and I do have regrets.  But I can't change the past.  I can only move forward and focus on improving my future.

I do hope that you'll read the book.  I only skimmed it (and poorly, at that).  I plan on reading it at least one more time to try to really grasp it.  I believe that it has the power to truly transform a person.  I hope it's done that for me, and I know it can do that for you, too.