Dear Twenty-Six...

Dear Twenty-Six,

Thank you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  You were the year I needed.  Twenty-Five was harsh, and you showed me happiness.  You brought me understanding.  You helped me to find the lessons from all the trials of Twenty-Five.  You taught me forgiveness.  You gave me clarity.

I think I have loved you more than any other number.  And now it is time to move on to Twenty-Seven, the number I have kinda been dreading.  But, Twenty-Six, you brought me to California and you gave me a new adventure.  At Twenty-Seven, I think I'm ready for it.  It's going to be amazing, wonderful, scary, difficult, exciting, happy....everything I've always hoped for. 

What will you teach me, Twenty-Seven?  Let's do this.

Love,
Me

 

Broken.

I have been going back and forth in my head over whether or not to post this blog.  Timehop said that two years ago today, I started this blog.  And in about 40 posts, I've had over 5,700 views.  That's pretty cool.  (Thanks for reading!)  So I took that as a sign to post today.

Sometimes things happen in your life that make you think, Why?  Why did this happen?  How could this happen?  What did I do to deserve that?

And sometimes there is no answer.

Trust can be destroyed in an instant.  One person's actions can leave you confused, scared, and broken.  We are fragile humans, after all.

We break.  Sometimes we shatter, and sometimes we just get knicked a little bit.  And then we have to somehow figure out how all the pieces fit back together.  Sometimes it's really easy to figure it out, and sometimes it takes a long time.  We never looks the same as we did at the beginning.  You can see that we've been broken, especially when we've been broken over and over again.  But those breaks add character.  And if the glue is strong enough, we probably will not break in the same place again.  We'll break somewhere new.  The glue is what will make us stronger.

You can avoid breaking by staying up on the shelf and never letting anyone come close enough.  Or you can come down off the shelf, take some risks, and see what happens.  You will probably get dropped a few times, maybe even kicked or stepped on, but the glue is always there, ready to put you back together.

Risks are what makes life exciting.  Don't be afraid to trust, to leap, to love.  With high risk comes the potential for high return. 

Choose.

Last week, I began a blog post that I never got around to finishing.  It was a hard one to write because I was having a hard time.  I was feeling discouraged and lonely.  I was feeling confused and helpless.  I started to write about things that were gritty and real.  About how putting your life back together after what you had envisioned was shattered is really hard.

And it is.

But then a weekend like this past weekend comes.  A day like today happens.  And things are suddenly put into perspective.

Life is a roller coaster.  We have ups, and we have downs.  Every day is a new day.  Every moment is a new moment.  And we have the ability to choose for ourselves what we will make of it.  Of what we will make of our lives.  

We can choose to be happy.

We can choose to find joy in the little things...like ridiculous pink heart sunglasses, like singing Backstreet Boys with a friend to the guy in the car next to you, like someone at church telling you they like your dress, like a hug from a friend you haven't seen in awhile, like a text from someone you weren't sure was your friend anymore, like downloading an album that you and your mom used to listen to all the time, like a girl drumming on trash cans because she wants to get off the streets, like Barstow tacos, like red and white confetti nail polish that you buy just to see what it looks like, like getting an extra hour of sleep, like losing an hour of sleep because you stayed up talking to a special person, like watching a 7-year-old girl wolf down a huge piece of pizza in 5 minutes flat.

Whatever it is, no matter how small, you can find joy in it.

And if you are having a hard time today, tomorrow is a new day.  You can start over.  You can always choose to be different.  You can always choose to be happy.

And you can always, always, ALWAYS find joy in the pink heart sunglasses...

I'm a Mormon.

Wow.

I can hardly believe that five years has passed since this day.

Not a day goes by that I'm not grateful for the decision I made to be baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

That's not to say that once I got baptized all my problems just magically disappeared and life was suddenly perfect.  That would be far from the truth, and if you know me, you know that's true.  But it has gotten easier because I know that I don't have to do it alone.  God is always with me.

After my divorce, I was asked on so many occasions, "Are you still going to be Mormon?"

My answer: Yes.  Why?  Because this is where I belong.

Look at this picture:

That girl in the blue dress just made the biggest commitment of her life, and she never felt better.

I'm not perfect.  I'll never deny that it has been a struggle at times and that I have made many mistakes along the way.  But there is no doubt in my heart or mind that this Gospel is true.

My name is Danielle.  I'm an actress, a singer, a BYU-Idaho graduate.  I live an adventurous life, and I love new experiences.  I want to see the world, and I try to seize every opportunity.  I have big plans and even bigger dreams...and I'm a Mormon.

He Remembered Me.

This isn't something I've talked about much because it's so personal to me, but I'm just so happy to say that today I have gone five years DRUG FREE!

What a difference it makes!  My mind has never been clearer.  My heart has never been happier.  And I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.

Many of you don't know that side of me, and with lots of faith and prayer, you never will.  And I don't need to talk about it because who I was doesn't matter.  It only matters who I am now and who I am trying to be.

I'm grateful everyday that the Lord remembered me and rescued me.  Without Him, who knows where I would be!

If you struggle with addiction, you're not alone.  There are lots of people out there, just like you, who have had to walk some difficult roads.  There are lots of people out there who can offer love, strength, and support.  And I am one of them.

~Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.~

Oscar Wilde

Friendship.

Recently, I've had the special blessing of learning what true friendship is.  I would like to share with you what I have learned.  But first, here's a little bit about me.

I've never really been the one to show my friends how much I need help.  There have been few people throughout my life who have seen that side of me.  I've never wanted to burden anyone with my problems, especially because I know that everyone has their own.  A few months ago, I was asked the question, "Don't you like to be there for your friends?"  I answered, "Absolutely."  Then the follow-up question, "Then don't you think your friends would like to be there for you?"

And since then, here's what I've learned the answer is: YES.

They love me and care for me, and it makes them feel good to help.  It also makes me feel so much better when I know that I have people to call.  It helps me to stay positive.  And I can see Christ's love for me in them.

I've also learned that friendship is a two-way street.  It's not just one person always needing the other.  It's two people who love, care for, and need each other.  It's celebrating the happy times and comforting during the hard times.  It's not always expecting the other person to be "on" and accepting them in their vulnerable state.  It's encouraging and helping them to be better.  It's being a positive influence.

I have a whole new appreciation for my friends, and I'm incredibly grateful for them.

So, if you're a person, like me, who has trouble asking for help or comfort, don't be.  Ask for help.  There are people who love you and who would LOVE to be able to comfort you.   

Life is Short.

You know when you're playing around on your phone and a message pops up and you can see the beginning words of it but you can't read the whole thing?

Well, when this one started with, "Hey, not sure if you had heard, but thought you would want to know..."  There were a few thoughts that came to mind.

1. There's a cool audition coming into town.
2. Something awesome happened.
3. Or something really really bad or sad happened.

I had a feeling it was the third one.

When you get the news that someone that you were once very close to passed away three days ago from cancer, so many thoughts run through your head.

How did I not know that she was battling cancer for FOUR months?  How have THREE days passed already? How long has it been since I've seen her?  Talked to her in a more significant way than a facebook comment?  How have I not met or spoken to her wife, who she has been with over SIX years?  How has so much life passed by that as I read her obituary, I'm learning things I didn't know about my friend?

For me, this is so unexpected.  For her family, it probably wasn't unexpected at all.  You don't usually overcome pancreatic cancer.

I am shocked and sad that such a beautiful person with so much goodness and love left the world so soon.  And I am more sad that I have missed out on so much life with her.

There are people who come into our lives that we love, and we will always love them, even if we don't speak often.  She is one of those people for me.  So I ask, why did I let so much life and so many years get away?

Why do we do that?

When we love someone, we should reach out more.  We should hold the people we love close to us.  Because life is short.

See you later, Stefanie.  I love you.

Why wait?

This year, I decided not to make any resolutions.  But it’s starting to look like I made them without even knowing it…

I think it’s easy in life to make a bucket list of things you want to do and then just push them off until later.  Until I have enough money.  Until I have the right job.  Until I get married.  Until I have more time.

But here’s what I realized:

If you keep living in the future, you’re not living in the present.

What if “until…” never comes?  Then you’ll have a whole life of waiting around for whatever it is you were waiting for, and you’ll have missed out on all the opportunities you had to do the things you wanted to do.

I won’t do that anymore.  I had a conversation with a friend of mine recently that I haven’t seen in years.  He is a world traveler, and I’m just amazed with his life and everything that he’s done and is currently doing.  He pointed out to me that so many people say to him, “I wish I could travel….I wish I could do this or that…” And he says, “Just do it!”  Buy the plane ticket, save a little, and just go!

So that’s what I’m doing.  When an opportunity presents itself, I’m going to take it.  I’m going to do those things that I’ve always wanted to do but was just waiting “until…”  I’m going to go places that I’ve always wanted to go but didn’t think I could “until…”

So far this year (not even two weeks in), I’ve already done a couple things:
1. Snowboarding (SERIOUSLY FUN)
2. Kickboxing (with a punching bag and gloves and everything…LOVED IT)

On the agenda for next month:
1. Spending a weekend with my Godfather (who I just adore and have never had enough time with)
2. Visiting Wine Country (no wine tasting for me though)
3. SKYDIVING!!!  (This is a lifelong goal…and it’s just a little over a month away!)

Sometime this year:
1. A possible cruise (and wait!  It’s a two-in-one!)
2. To either Alaska, New Zealand, or Australia (all of which I’m dying to go to so we’ll see how dates and prices work out)
3. Or possibly Disneyworld (because I have to be realistic, and I if I can’t afford the above, I’m Florida-bound!)
4. Run a 10k
5. Buy a gun

And whatever else comes up, I’m just going to do it!  

Life is here, guys.  Now.  Why wait?