Oh hello there, Twenty-Eight...

This morning, I kinda lost it.  I realized that I'll be 28 years old tomorrow.  This is officially "late 20s."  How did this even happen?  It just doesn't seem that long ago that as soon as it hit midnight, I went to the grocery store and bought cigarettes for the first time.  I didn't smoke.  And I didn't plan on smoking.  But I was old enough to buy the cigarettes.  So I did.  That was TEN years ago.  WHAT?!  My ten year high school reunion is in like, a month.  HOW?!  This is nuts.

Anyway, I am really sad to say goodbye to 27.  This was the best year of my life.  A few days before my birthday last year, I moved to Los Angeles...again.  This time I was older and, I like to think, wiser.  I had a plan, and I was ready to go for it.  I didn't know a ton of people, and most people have real jobs that keep them busy all day during the week, so for my birthday, on a Tuesday, I decided that if I was going to be alone on my birthday, I was going to do it at Disneyland.

Best. Decision. Ever.

I had a blast.  I felt independent, strong, and ready to take on the world.  One of my friends was driving back to LA from Vegas, so she stopped by Disneyland on her way around 7pm and spent the next few hours with me.  I don't know if she'll ever realize how much that meant to me.

I think that birthday was a little symbolic of the whole year.  Just kind of navigating my way through, doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, and if something came up that changed my plans, I was open to it.  So ready to take on the world.  Oh...and Disneyland.  Lots and lots of Disneyland.

I met some great people.  Navigated my way through LA.  Filmed some cool stuff.  Found a great acting coach...and voice coach.  Travelled to some new places.  Got in the best shape of my life (and then went on vacation and added a little extra fluff).  Made some new goals and started really working toward them.  And realized that maybe I CAN do everything I want to do.

As I get older, I realize that there's so much more to do.  There's so much life ahead of me.  There's so much I don't know and haven't experienced.  It's pretty exciting.

So while I'm sad to leave 27 because it really was so good to me, I'm even more excited for 28.

Let's do this.

A Normal Family

So gay marriage is legal...finally.  And while this is not a post on whether or not it is right, I will say this: It does not matter if your religion believes it's right or wrong.  This is about equality.  You can still believe that homosexuality is a sin while still accepting that people have the right to make their own decisions and be treated equally.  Trust me, you can.  You do it all the time about other issues.

But enough about that.  I want to talk about children...because as the great Whitney Houston said, they are our future.

There is some debate about what a "normal family" is and what is the ideal situation for a child to be raised in.  I honestly don't even know what a normal family is.  I mean, if we look at the Bible, King David, who was chosen by God, had multiple wives and concubines, and I have a feeling that most Christians don't believe that's normal.  Teenage girls used to be married off for payment, and I don't think that's normal.  Kings used to behead their queens if they didn't give them a child...or a son.  For my LDS friends, there's really no way to deny that Joseph Smith had multiple wives, from 14 years old to 56 years old (see lds.org).  Is that normal or traditional?

There are arguments that say that children need a mom and a dad because males and females have different qualities and roles that children need in order to have a well-balanced upbringing.  I suppose this is the ideal. Mom, Dad, a son and a daughter. A perfect, loving family with a white-picket fence and big green yard to run around in.  Does it happen?  Yes, of course.  But is it the norm?  Absolutely not.

We live in an imperfect world.  One where divorce happens, where parents disappear, where people become addicted to drugs, where parents die, where babies are born drug-addicted or with life-threatening diseases and illnesses, where people abuse or neglect their children, where people become foster parents for the extra money instead of the suffering child, where people get pregnant on accident, where regular meals are unavailable, where adequate medical care is nonexistent, and so much more.  Unfortunately, we can't all be so lucky as to have been brought into this world with a mom and a dad who love and are committed to each other and their children, who plan for their children, and who are financially capable of raising their children.

So for those who believe that gay and lesbian couples should not be allowed to raise or adopt children, I ask you this: Does being a heterosexual couple always qualify a man and a woman to raise a child?  How many accidental pregnancies do we have in this country?  Probably more than planned pregnancies.  And how many of those couples are completely unqualified to raise a child, whether because they can't afford it, are too young, are drug-addicted, or a myriad of other things?  How many of these "heterosexual parents" become single parents because one of those "normal, straight parents" is a deadbeat?  Over 40% actually (see here).  But guess what.  Because they couldn't figure out how to properly use birth control, they are now raising a child that they have no business raising.  Do you believe that is stable?  Do you really believe that is the better option than gay parents?

Here are some staggering statistics for you from childhelp.org:

• Over 3 million reports of child abuse involving over 6 million children are made in the U.S. each year.
• Every day, between four and seven children die due to child abuse and neglect.
• 80% of child deaths due to child abuse and neglect have at least one parent as the perpetrator (so at least 1,168 children per year die at the hands of their parent).

That's just in the United States.  Are these parents more qualified than gay parents just because they're "normal" and straight?

What about foster care?  Is foster care a better option for the 463,000 children currently in U.S. foster care than two dads or two moms?  Before you answer, consider these statistics from childrenunitingnations.org and fosterclub.com:

• About 127,000 foster children are currently waiting to be adopted, and less than half of them will actually be adopted
• 65% of foster kids emancipate, or age-out, without a place to live (which is probably why 40% of all people living in homeless shelters are former foster children)
• Less than 3% go to college and 51% are unemployed

And what about kids who just don't have parents at all?  Or whose parents are completely incapable of providing for them?  Reading these statistics breaks my heart (from sos-usa.org and who.int):

• 153 million children have lost one or both parents worldwide
• 7.6 million children under the age of five die each year (2010)
• 19,000 children under the age of five die EVERY DAY (2011)
• "Around 70% of these early child deaths are due to conditions that could be prevented or treated with access to simple, affordable interventions."
• At least one-third of child deaths are from malnutrition.

Children are literally starving to death.  You and I have NEVER felt the pain they have felt.  Think back to the time you were most hungry, when you probably said "I'm so hungry I'm going to STARVE!!"  Multiply that times 10.  These kids feel that pain every day of their life.  Their entire existence is just hunger until they die of starvation.

From Wall Street OTC

I want you to think about what it takes for a homosexual couple to have a child.  Because there is absolutely no way for them to create a child naturally, they are very much like infertile heterosexual couples.  They have to invest time and money.  They have to specifically plan.  They usually have to pass psychological evaluations, home inspections, and so much more.  (Here's a ten-step overview of adoption, if you're interested.)  Their planning ALWAYS begins before pregnancy, while a fertile, heterosexual couple can get pregnant completely by accident.  I think this proves how committed they are to providing a loving and supportive home to a child who wouldn't otherwise have one.  And you better believe those children will KNOW how loved they are, how much they were wanted, and that they were not just a happy accident.

Right now, there are an estimated two million LGBT people who want to adopt. One-third of agencies will reject their applications simply because they are gay. When someone says that LGBT couples shouldn't be able to adopt for whatever reason, I have to believe that they can't possibly know these statistics. Because if they did, they could never say something so cold and so callous...that these children are better off dying of starvation, enduring child abuse, or just never having parents than having two dads or two moms.

This adorable family photo was found on Huffington Post
taken by Sara + Ryan Photography

Things I've Learned from Disney Princesses

Lately I've been hearing the complaint that Disney Princesses aren't good role models.  People complain that they teach you to wait around for your handsome prince, that stepmothers are evil, that being beautiful is most important.  I guess I can see why someone would say those things, but I think they're missing the bigger picture.  I grew up loving and adoring the princesses.  I knew all their songs.  I had their sheets, pajamas, and clothes.  They autographed my Disneyland book.  I wanted to be one.  I think it is important to be fair to these fictional but admired women.  And so, here are the valuable lessons I have learned from Disney Princesses.

1. Snow White: When someone is mistreating you, you don't have to stick around for it.  Also, when you have work to do, whistle...make it fun!  It gets done quicker and easier.

2. Cinderella: Dreams DO come true.  Sometimes people are mean to you but in the end...KARMA.  Good wins.

3. Aurora: We don't always know how special or important we are.  (I mean, she was a princess and didn't even know it!)

4. Ariel: Just because you're born a mermaid doesn't mean you have to stay a mermaid.  If you're determined, you can become a human!  Basically, if you don't have what you want, figure out how to get what you want.  Also, independence breeds conflict.

5. Belle: Always look for the good in others.  Reading is fun.  It's ok to be different.

6. Jasmine: Love is more important than riches or prestige.  What's inside is more important than what's outside.

7. Pocahontas: Color doesn't matter.  The Earth is special and we should be kind to it.

8. Mulan: Girls/Women can do anything they put their mind to.  We are just as good as men.

9. Tiana: Again, we can do anything we put our minds to!  When we focus on our own lives and goals, everything else falls into place.

10. Rapunzel: Trust your intuition.  Be nice.  Life is an adventure.

11. Merida: You don't have to marry a man just because everyone expects you to.  You don't need a man to make you complete.

12. Elsa: Be you.  Fear works against you.

13. Anna: Princesses don't wake up looking perfect either.  Sometimes they're clumsy and say the wrong thing.  Be optimistic.

So thank you, Disney, for helping me to become a woman that I like, that I would want to be friends with. I'm grateful for these role models and the lessons they have taught me.

Life is precious.

As the days and weeks and months and years pile on to my life, I realize this more and more.  As I get older, people that I love and care about go through so many ups and downs of life.  Marriage, children, sickness, graduation, career changes, divorce, trauma, abuse, anniversaries, death.  There's always something going on in the lives of my family, friends, and acquaintances.

My little sister was born when I was eight years old.  She was like a child to me.  I bathed her, I changed her diaper, I took care of her when she was sick, played with her, gave her advice, fought with her...  Because of the age gap, I always looked at her as a baby instead of a friend.  (That is a struggle I've been trying to get through for the last six years or so, since she is not a baby anymore, but that is another story.)  When I found out she was pregnant, it hit me really hard.  SHE'S NOT OLD ENOUGH SHE'S LIKE TWELVE YEARS OLD HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE!!!??!!  That's what kept going through my head.  But she is not twelve years old.  She is nineteen.  She is an adult who has been in a very committed relationship with a great guy for almost two years.
(Side note: I always thought that when my sister had a child, that's when I'd know I'm getting old.  I'm proud to say I'm 27, not old, and I'm going to be the coolest aunt in the history of ever.)

One of my best friends as a child was recently in a boating accident.  She almost died.  She had to have her leg amputated.  Now she and I haven't been close since we were twelve, but it was pretty shocking to me still.  This girl is one of the most athletic girls I know...she is in the Air Force!  And this family is amazing.  As I read her blog and her friend's blog about the accident, I am in complete awe of how she is handling the whole thing.  When I grow up, I want to be like her.  Strong, independent, faithful, caring, determined, loving....Christlike.  (Her parents really got it right when they named her Christy.)

I have a very good friend, easily one of my top ten favorite people, who was diagnosed with skin cancer fairly recently.  He has been battling it, and luckily, it's shrinking.  But not as quickly as they want.  Finding out that someone you love has cancer is shocking.  It rocks your world a little bit.  I try not to think about how dreary the world would be without him.  Instead, I try to focus on making sure we always catch up, we see each other whenever we're in the same county, and we make each other laugh.

My mom's good friend died a few days ago.  It was sudden and unexpected.  Her youngest child is a senior in high school.  She's only a couple years older than my mom.  When hardly anybody came to my bachelorette party, she came.  She was a great friend and a good person.  It was too soon.

I got married five years ago yesterday.  Three years later, to the day, I definitively decided on divorce.  I have two other friends who were married the same day.  They celebrated their five year anniversaries last night.  They each have two children.  If you would have asked me where I'd be today five years ago, I would've guessed that I'd be in the same boat as them.

But life doesn't always turn out how we expect it to be.  Sometimes life has other ideas.  Sometimes it's not even life that has these other ideas, sometimes it's just other people.  Life is just a series of actions and reactions.

Someone reminded me a couple days ago that we are not guaranteed anything more than right now.  We have THIS moment.  We don't know when our time will come.  We don't even know if there is anything after this.  Most of us hope and believe that there is... I know I do!  But if there's not, what are you doing RIGHT NOW to make the most of your life?

I see so many people just sitting back and waiting for life to happen to them.

But life. doesn't. happen. TO you.

YOU make life happen.  YOU create the life you want.

Life is precious.  Don't waste it.

Dear Twenty-Six...

Dear Twenty-Six,

Thank you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  You were the year I needed.  Twenty-Five was harsh, and you showed me happiness.  You brought me understanding.  You helped me to find the lessons from all the trials of Twenty-Five.  You taught me forgiveness.  You gave me clarity.

I think I have loved you more than any other number.  And now it is time to move on to Twenty-Seven, the number I have kinda been dreading.  But, Twenty-Six, you brought me to California and you gave me a new adventure.  At Twenty-Seven, I think I'm ready for it.  It's going to be amazing, wonderful, scary, difficult, exciting, happy....everything I've always hoped for. 

What will you teach me, Twenty-Seven?  Let's do this.

Love,
Me

 

Broken.

I have been going back and forth in my head over whether or not to post this blog.  Timehop said that two years ago today, I started this blog.  And in about 40 posts, I've had over 5,700 views.  That's pretty cool.  (Thanks for reading!)  So I took that as a sign to post today.

Sometimes things happen in your life that make you think, Why?  Why did this happen?  How could this happen?  What did I do to deserve that?

And sometimes there is no answer.

Trust can be destroyed in an instant.  One person's actions can leave you confused, scared, and broken.  We are fragile humans, after all.

We break.  Sometimes we shatter, and sometimes we just get knicked a little bit.  And then we have to somehow figure out how all the pieces fit back together.  Sometimes it's really easy to figure it out, and sometimes it takes a long time.  We never looks the same as we did at the beginning.  You can see that we've been broken, especially when we've been broken over and over again.  But those breaks add character.  And if the glue is strong enough, we probably will not break in the same place again.  We'll break somewhere new.  The glue is what will make us stronger.

You can avoid breaking by staying up on the shelf and never letting anyone come close enough.  Or you can come down off the shelf, take some risks, and see what happens.  You will probably get dropped a few times, maybe even kicked or stepped on, but the glue is always there, ready to put you back together.

Risks are what makes life exciting.  Don't be afraid to trust, to leap, to love.  With high risk comes the potential for high return. 

Choose.

Last week, I began a blog post that I never got around to finishing.  It was a hard one to write because I was having a hard time.  I was feeling discouraged and lonely.  I was feeling confused and helpless.  I started to write about things that were gritty and real.  About how putting your life back together after what you had envisioned was shattered is really hard.

And it is.

But then a weekend like this past weekend comes.  A day like today happens.  And things are suddenly put into perspective.

Life is a roller coaster.  We have ups, and we have downs.  Every day is a new day.  Every moment is a new moment.  And we have the ability to choose for ourselves what we will make of it.  Of what we will make of our lives.  

We can choose to be happy.

We can choose to find joy in the little things...like ridiculous pink heart sunglasses, like singing Backstreet Boys with a friend to the guy in the car next to you, like someone at church telling you they like your dress, like a hug from a friend you haven't seen in awhile, like a text from someone you weren't sure was your friend anymore, like downloading an album that you and your mom used to listen to all the time, like a girl drumming on trash cans because she wants to get off the streets, like Barstow tacos, like red and white confetti nail polish that you buy just to see what it looks like, like getting an extra hour of sleep, like losing an hour of sleep because you stayed up talking to a special person, like watching a 7-year-old girl wolf down a huge piece of pizza in 5 minutes flat.

Whatever it is, no matter how small, you can find joy in it.

And if you are having a hard time today, tomorrow is a new day.  You can start over.  You can always choose to be different.  You can always choose to be happy.

And you can always, always, ALWAYS find joy in the pink heart sunglasses...

I'm a Mormon.

Wow.

I can hardly believe that five years has passed since this day.

Not a day goes by that I'm not grateful for the decision I made to be baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

That's not to say that once I got baptized all my problems just magically disappeared and life was suddenly perfect.  That would be far from the truth, and if you know me, you know that's true.  But it has gotten easier because I know that I don't have to do it alone.  God is always with me.

After my divorce, I was asked on so many occasions, "Are you still going to be Mormon?"

My answer: Yes.  Why?  Because this is where I belong.

Look at this picture:

That girl in the blue dress just made the biggest commitment of her life, and she never felt better.

I'm not perfect.  I'll never deny that it has been a struggle at times and that I have made many mistakes along the way.  But there is no doubt in my heart or mind that this Gospel is true.

My name is Danielle.  I'm an actress, a singer, a BYU-Idaho graduate.  I live an adventurous life, and I love new experiences.  I want to see the world, and I try to seize every opportunity.  I have big plans and even bigger dreams...and I'm a Mormon.

He Remembered Me.

This isn't something I've talked about much because it's so personal to me, but I'm just so happy to say that today I have gone five years DRUG FREE!

What a difference it makes!  My mind has never been clearer.  My heart has never been happier.  And I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.

Many of you don't know that side of me, and with lots of faith and prayer, you never will.  And I don't need to talk about it because who I was doesn't matter.  It only matters who I am now and who I am trying to be.

I'm grateful everyday that the Lord remembered me and rescued me.  Without Him, who knows where I would be!

If you struggle with addiction, you're not alone.  There are lots of people out there, just like you, who have had to walk some difficult roads.  There are lots of people out there who can offer love, strength, and support.  And I am one of them.

~Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.~

Oscar Wilde

Friendship.

Recently, I've had the special blessing of learning what true friendship is.  I would like to share with you what I have learned.  But first, here's a little bit about me.

I've never really been the one to show my friends how much I need help.  There have been few people throughout my life who have seen that side of me.  I've never wanted to burden anyone with my problems, especially because I know that everyone has their own.  A few months ago, I was asked the question, "Don't you like to be there for your friends?"  I answered, "Absolutely."  Then the follow-up question, "Then don't you think your friends would like to be there for you?"

And since then, here's what I've learned the answer is: YES.

They love me and care for me, and it makes them feel good to help.  It also makes me feel so much better when I know that I have people to call.  It helps me to stay positive.  And I can see Christ's love for me in them.

I've also learned that friendship is a two-way street.  It's not just one person always needing the other.  It's two people who love, care for, and need each other.  It's celebrating the happy times and comforting during the hard times.  It's not always expecting the other person to be "on" and accepting them in their vulnerable state.  It's encouraging and helping them to be better.  It's being a positive influence.

I have a whole new appreciation for my friends, and I'm incredibly grateful for them.

So, if you're a person, like me, who has trouble asking for help or comfort, don't be.  Ask for help.  There are people who love you and who would LOVE to be able to comfort you.   

Life is Short.

You know when you're playing around on your phone and a message pops up and you can see the beginning words of it but you can't read the whole thing?

Well, when this one started with, "Hey, not sure if you had heard, but thought you would want to know..."  There were a few thoughts that came to mind.

1. There's a cool audition coming into town.
2. Something awesome happened.
3. Or something really really bad or sad happened.

I had a feeling it was the third one.

When you get the news that someone that you were once very close to passed away three days ago from cancer, so many thoughts run through your head.

How did I not know that she was battling cancer for FOUR months?  How have THREE days passed already? How long has it been since I've seen her?  Talked to her in a more significant way than a facebook comment?  How have I not met or spoken to her wife, who she has been with over SIX years?  How has so much life passed by that as I read her obituary, I'm learning things I didn't know about my friend?

For me, this is so unexpected.  For her family, it probably wasn't unexpected at all.  You don't usually overcome pancreatic cancer.

I am shocked and sad that such a beautiful person with so much goodness and love left the world so soon.  And I am more sad that I have missed out on so much life with her.

There are people who come into our lives that we love, and we will always love them, even if we don't speak often.  She is one of those people for me.  So I ask, why did I let so much life and so many years get away?

Why do we do that?

When we love someone, we should reach out more.  We should hold the people we love close to us.  Because life is short.

See you later, Stefanie.  I love you.

Why wait?

This year, I decided not to make any resolutions.  But it’s starting to look like I made them without even knowing it…

I think it’s easy in life to make a bucket list of things you want to do and then just push them off until later.  Until I have enough money.  Until I have the right job.  Until I get married.  Until I have more time.

But here’s what I realized:

If you keep living in the future, you’re not living in the present.

What if “until…” never comes?  Then you’ll have a whole life of waiting around for whatever it is you were waiting for, and you’ll have missed out on all the opportunities you had to do the things you wanted to do.

I won’t do that anymore.  I had a conversation with a friend of mine recently that I haven’t seen in years.  He is a world traveler, and I’m just amazed with his life and everything that he’s done and is currently doing.  He pointed out to me that so many people say to him, “I wish I could travel….I wish I could do this or that…” And he says, “Just do it!”  Buy the plane ticket, save a little, and just go!

So that’s what I’m doing.  When an opportunity presents itself, I’m going to take it.  I’m going to do those things that I’ve always wanted to do but was just waiting “until…”  I’m going to go places that I’ve always wanted to go but didn’t think I could “until…”

So far this year (not even two weeks in), I’ve already done a couple things:
1. Snowboarding (SERIOUSLY FUN)
2. Kickboxing (with a punching bag and gloves and everything…LOVED IT)

On the agenda for next month:
1. Spending a weekend with my Godfather (who I just adore and have never had enough time with)
2. Visiting Wine Country (no wine tasting for me though)
3. SKYDIVING!!!  (This is a lifelong goal…and it’s just a little over a month away!)

Sometime this year:
1. A possible cruise (and wait!  It’s a two-in-one!)
2. To either Alaska, New Zealand, or Australia (all of which I’m dying to go to so we’ll see how dates and prices work out)
3. Or possibly Disneyworld (because I have to be realistic, and I if I can’t afford the above, I’m Florida-bound!)
4. Run a 10k
5. Buy a gun

And whatever else comes up, I’m just going to do it!  

Life is here, guys.  Now.  Why wait?

2013's Most Important Lesson

I was going to write a blog that had four lessons that I learned this year, but I got to the last one and decided that it should be it's own blog (I don't like them to be too long).  And it's the most important, so what better day to reflect on it and share the most important lesson of, quite possibly, my whole life than today.

Forgiveness is real.

Not only does the Lord forgive us when we ask for it, but He gives us the opportunity to forgive others.  

I have always thought of myself as a pretty forgiving person.  I get over things really easily because so many things just seem so small in the big scheme of things.  But every once in awhile, something happens that seems unforgiveable.  Not only is it extremely hard to forgive, but sometimes you don't even want to. 

And that's when you start changing.  That's when you start becoming someone that you're not.  That's when you start hating another person and blaming them for the things that have gone or are going wrong in your life.  That's when you become unhappy, angry, fearful, defensive, offensive, sad, resentful, obsessive.  Or maybe you become melancholy, depressed, empty.  

But those things are not who you are.

And they are not what the Lord wants you to feel.  And that's why we have forgiveness.  I have always heard, and probably even said, "Forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for you."  But recently I got to actually experience that in a huge way.  

When we let go of our obsession with justice, we can have faith that God will be perfectly just.

When we give Him our heartache, He can lift us up.

When we let go of our hurt/anger/sadness/pain/resentment/hatred, we allow Christ to heal us.

So here's what I realized:

The Lord wants us to be happy.

True happiness and hurt/anger/pain/resentment/hatred/fear/depression/etc. cannot exist together.

Forgiveness, whether for us from God or for another person from us, has the ability to take away that hurt/anger/pain/resentment/hatred/fear/depression/etc.

This is why the Lord emphasizes forgiveness and repentance so much.  

Because in the end, we are so much happier when we just let go and let God.

Lessons from Hiking

Whenever I go hiking, I get at least one life lesson.  I have decided to share some of them from this year with you.  Share yours if you have any!

1. It is so much easier to go down than go up.  And once you start the journey down, there is usually no need to stop to catch your breath.  You have momentum.  We should constantly be striving to go up, even though it's hard.

2. When you slip and fall on the rocks, you have to get back up and keep going.

3. Sometimes you have to push through the pain.

4. The satisfaction comes when you have pushed yourself farther than you knew you could go.  When you get to the top, you can see how far you've come, and your perspective is clearer than when you were in the middle of the hike.

5. When you take the path less traveled, you might see some cool things, but a cactus will try to eat you and you will wish you wore long pants. And in the end, you're just grateful you made out out alive.  (This is a direct quote from one of my hikes.  There are many meanings here.  You can interpret it for yourself.)

Storms happen.

Storms.  They happen.  Sometimes they're heavy and quick.  Sometimes they're long and constant.  Sometimes they're easy.  Sometimes they're dreadful.  But they happen.  They're necessary.  

And they never last forever.

Just when you think the storm is never going to end, God sends you a rainbow.  And after that crazy storm, the rainbow is just what you need.  And it's so much sweeter than it would have been without the storm.

"It is better for us to pass through sorrow that we may know the good from the evil."

Infinite Worth

I have this picture of Christ that I keep in my room.  Below his face, it has this quotation:

"If only you could see yourself as I see you, you would know your infinite worth."

I look at it everyday to remind myself that I am a Daughter of God.  That He lives and loves ME.  That I matter to Him.  He sees me for everything that I am, weaknesses and flaws included, and still believes that I have infinite worth.

But it's not just me that He sees that way; it's YOU, too!  And everyone in this world.  This has been on my mind recently.  That the people I know are of infinite worth to Him.  That He has a much better view of the people around me.  That my view is so narrow and limited.  He sees the bigger picture.  He knows our hearts.  He knows our strengths and our weaknesses.  And He loves us despite our flaws.

This was always a good reminder to me to love myself.  But over the last few days, it has been a reminder to me that I should also strive to see others in this way.  To know that they are divine beings with divine potential and infinite worth. 

Dear Twenty-five...

Dear Twenty-five,

You have been an interesting year...quite the adventure we've had.  We've had ups and downs.  Some things were expected, and some were unexpected.  Some times were amazing, and some times were awful.  There were good days, and there were bad days, and there were days in between.  

But here's what you taught me:
It's ok to cry, even when you're happy.  It's ok to laugh, even when you're sad.  Love is not always a big, passionate romance.  Sometimes it's just putting someone else before you, even when you don't want to.  It's hoping the best for them and loving them even though they've hurt you.  But it's also important to know when to put yourself first and think about your own needs.  You taught me patience.  You taught me that it's ok to wallow in self-pity for a little bit, but then you have to get out of bed and do something.  You taught me that it's good to trust others but that not everybody is trustworthy.  You taught me how to really forgive....a few times.  But you also taught that me forgiveness doesn't always come right away.  You taught me that life goes on.  You reminded me that God loves me and is always with me.  

I know what kind of person I want to be because of you, Twenty-five.  You helped me find that again.

We had an adventure, Twenty-five, and I'm grateful for you.  But let's be honest, I'm so ready for Twenty-six.

Love,
Me

Great Grandpa Ray

It's amazing how the Lord speaks to you and prepares you, and you don't even know it until later.

This morning, I was reading in Alma 11 and 12, where Amulek teaches about death, both temporal and spiritual, and what happens after and in between.  Just a few hours later, I found out that my great grandfather passed away just this morning.  

He was 92.  He had seven children, six grandchildren, and five great grandchildren, so far.  His lovely wife, my great grandmother, passed away just four short years ago.  These last few years, he has been living with dementia and slowly retreating.  He was born on the Fourth of July, and I remember so many childhood Independence Days at his house in Davis, CA, singing Yankee Doodle Dandy to him with the rest of our family.  I remember swimming in his pool and diving off the diving board.  I remember sitting in his lap and telling him stories.  I remember staying over at his house and staying up late with him and my mom playing SkipBo.  I remember going to Great Grandma Mary's funeral (his wife) in 2009 and singing Ave Maria with him.  I remember playing Dominoes with him over and over and over again just less than a year ago...and Sorry, too!  (He loved games.)  I remember his laugh...loud and happy.  When we saw him last August, Ephraim and I just loved his laugh, and once he figured out how much we loved it, he made it a point to do it over and over and over again.  He was always full of life.  He was a truly amazing man.

I am grateful for the Lord's plan.  This new experience today helps to seal in what I read this morning in the scriptures.  It reminds me of why I love this gospel so much.  It helps me to see that there is so much light at the end of the tunnel.  It's a testament of why we're here on this earth.

When Adam and Eve were in the garden, they were told not to eat the forbidden fruit, that if they did they would surely die.  If they had not eaten the fruit, they would have lived forever in the Garden of Eden, in an innocent state, never knowing good from evil, or happiness from sadness.  They would never have gained any new knowledge.  And they would never have been able to progress.  They would have never been able to leave the earth and go back to Heavenly Father to live with Him for all eternity.  It was always part of the plan for them (us) to experience a physical and temporal death so that they (we) could be resurrected and go back to God.

With this knowledge, death could almost be celebrated.  Yes, we are sad that a person we love so much is gone from this world.  But we can take comfort in knowing that we can see them again someday.  And really, who wants to live here on earth forever when there is a much better place waiting for us?  Earth is fun and interesting and exciting for now, but it's just a temporary home (like Carrie Underwood says...and if you don't know that song, look it up).

I'm sad for my family because I know that we will all miss him.  I'm also happy for him and my beautiful great grandmother who will now be reunited with each other and two of their sons who went before.

Today I am so grateful for God's mercy, for His foresight, for His grace to give us just what we need when we need it.  I'm grateful for His Plan of Salvation and that I have the blessing of knowing it.  The Lord loves us so much, and we are so lucky to have Him on our side!




If you have any questions about what I've just talked about, please feel free to ask or go here: http://mormon.org/beliefs/plan-of-salvation

Pioneer Day

About a month ago, I was asked to go to Meadow, Utah, near Fillmore, and speak at the town's annual Pioneer Day celebration.  For those of you who don't know what Pioneer Day is: it's a Utah/Idaho/LDS holiday dedicated to remembering the pioneers who crossed the plains to get to Utah, Nevada, California, and Idaho (many were Latter-day Saints seeking a place where they could safely practice their religion).  Oftentimes, converts are referred to as "Modern-day Pioneers," so sometimes you'll hear from converts (which I am) about their conversion story, as well as pioneer stories.

Well, when I was asked to do this program, I was shocked and honored that my aunt Bonnie (who I had never even met at the time) would ask me to do this for her town.  Basically, I was given the directions of speak and sing for 30-45 minutes about your story and pioneer stories.  I've never done anything like this.  I've sang a musical number in church many times, I've given a 5-10 minute talk three times, but this was a BIG task.  

After lots of prayer, preparation, and asking friends for family stories (thank you to those who sent them!), I put together something that I hoped would be beneficial to someone.  I made the four hour drive to Meadow and arrived just in time for the parade, which was adorable!

When it came time for me to speak, I just hoped and prayed that one person would be touched by it.  The best part of the whole thing was knowing that someone was.  Right after I finished, a man in this thirties(ish) came up to and, with tears in his eyes, told me that he was going through a difficult time and that what I said was exactly what he needed to hear.

This is what it's about, folks.  I feel blessed and honored to have said something that might help him.  It's all inspiration.  The Lord knows what we need and when we need it, and He will place people in your life and in your path to deliver the message.

I hope that we can all be as open as this man was to hearing the message that God is trying to deliver to us.

This was easily one of the most memorable and touching moments of my life, and I am so grateful to have had that opportunity.

Uncle Shane, Aunt Bonnie, their 7 kids, and me!

This was my first time meeting half of them (we just found out about my uncle about five years ago because he was given up for adoption).
They're the coolest!

Four Quick Thoughts

As many of you know by now, Ephraim and I are divorced.  I had initially decided not to post anything because I figured that the people who cared or were curious would ask.  But I recently had a conversation with a very dear friend of mine who was in the singles ward that Ephraim and I were in when he was in the Bishopric.  I explained to her that one of the hardest parts of making the decision was knowing that so many students in this ward looked to us as an example.  I was afraid of letting them down.  In some ways, I probably have.  But it is my hope that some insights come to anyone who has looked up to us or me.  These are definitely things I have learned.

1. No one is perfect.  It doesn't matter what your calling is or how good you are or how many people follow you.  No one is perfect.  We all make mistakes.  We all have weaknesses.  What matters is that you're trying.  One of the things both Ephraim and I always wanted the singles in the ward to understand was that it's about lifting others up.  It's about helping the people around you and really loving them.  I think I can speak for both of us on this one...that's really what it's about.

2. Hold onto each other.  I hope it brought the now-married members of our ward closer together.  I hope they see that it can happen to anyone.  I hope they realize that half of marriages end in divorce, and members of the LDS church are no exception.  Take time before your marriage to really get to know each other and make sure that you are compatible.  Marriage is about more than attraction, and it's also about more than friendship.

3. It's ok to ask for help.  It does not make you weak.  It takes a strong person to ask for help...a humble person.

4. YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH ANYTHING.  The world might seem like it's falling apart around you.  You might feel like you are going through the hardest thing of your life.  You might want to just give up.  You might feel like God has left you.  But He hasn't.  He is very aware of you.  Whether it's divorce, death, sickness, injury, or any other pain, He understands.  When you trust in Him, you will be ok.  You can do it!

Over the last few months, I have been able to see how blessed I am.  The Lord has put very special people in my life to help me and to guide me.  He has helped me to search for the good and to stay positive during the hardest time of my life.  And if you want Him to, I know that He'll do the same for you!  =)